love is.... love is....... hmm, what is love?

"Love is patient, love is kind."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4

I have been dating someone new for the past two weeks. Like most relationships, everything seemed amazing and perfect in the beginning. However, our level of consideration, respect, and trust for each other was what helped solidify the foundation of our relationship. Yet, even in such a safety nest, we had our first argument last night (and by "we", I actually mean I was yelling at him, while he listened and apologized).

After talking with my accountability partner E. and my sister G., I realized that I was in the wrong. God had given me an opportunity to shine grace in M.'s moment of weakness, and I had failed miserably. Feeling horrible, I left three voice messages and countless text messages the next few hours. M. called me at 4:00am in the most calm and forgiving tone of voice - he was not angry at all. About a week or two ago, I had shared with him stories about my anger management issues in past relationships, so he figured it would be only a matter of time before I lost my cool with him. He said it still hurt, but he understands where I am coming from. He then reassured me that he is committed to this relationship, so he will work on being more considerate. He also said that he hopes this relationship will continue to be healing for the both of us.

Later on in the day (about an hour ago), he gently asked me what love was. Not knowing where he was going with this, I hesitatingly answered, "..... God?" He replied, "Yes... but what specifically is love?" I still did not understand where he was going with his question, and I quite honestly do not enjoy guessing games, so I slowly started quoting 1 Corinthians 13, hoping I had given him the answer he was looking for. After listening to me for a moment, he asked me to repeat what the first two were. I said, "Love is patient, love is kind." He encouraged me to really meditate on those words so that it resonates in my heart. He then shared that he is dedicated to helping me live out 1 Corinthians 13 so that even if we break up someday, our relationship would have had a positive and lasting impact on the rest of my life.

I am humbled on three accounts. First, I am humbled by his patience and maturity - which I experienced first-hand when I received forgiveness so quickly and without any punishment. Second, I am humbled by his gentleness, loving encouragement, and dedication in helping me grow in love. Finally, M. may not be able to quote much Scripture, but whatever he does know, he has sincerely committed those words to his own heart - as someone who grew up in the church and even graduated from seminary, I am ashamed to say that I may be able to quote Scripture with more finesse than M. could, but those words of God have not always changed my life.

All in all, I am very thankful to have a boyfriend like M.... but I am also quite intimidated. I have never been with anyone so level-headed. I don't know how to take it, but it should be an exciting and eventful journey ahead. I will be sure to journal along the way.

blessed - endlessly

"Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons...”

- John 2:6

I have been really busy lately. Not only am I working as a part-time receptionist at Church of the Saviour, but I have also been studying for license exams in order to be a financial advisor at Independence Wealth Strategies (IWS), which is an office of MetLife (think: Snoopy).

After interviewing with various companies, I decided to work here because of three main reasons:

1. I believe being a financial advisor will be a great way to combine my business and counseling background
2. I like and agree with MetLife and Independence Wealth Strategies' business structure
   
3. During prayer time at the KUC Youth Group retreat in December 2009, I felt I received the calling to become a financial advisor. It did not make any sense to me at the time because I did not have the credentials or experience to jump from Project Management to Finance. However, my first round of one-on-one interviews with IWS lasted three hours (and I later found out that every candidate after me has heard my name). It was also encouraging when I scored 10 out of 10 on the hour-long on-line exam. I also passed my first of three license exams on Friday!

I have started studying for the Series 7, which I will be taking on November 4th, so please pray for me that I will continue to do my best as a servant of God!

As I just mentioned, my first license exam was this past Friday. I was ahead of my study schedule as of Monday evening. However, I fell behind schedule the rest of the week because I was extremely unproductive on Tuesday and Wednesday due to dark thoughts triggered by intense insecurities of feeling less-than-normal physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I passed the Life and Health exam on Friday!

After putting together the study material for the Series 7 exam, I headed for the GCC Women's retreat. Here are a few lessons I took away from the retreat:

1. I am not the only one who struggles with insecurities. In fact, every woman I spoke with at the retreat openly shared many of the same struggles with which I struggle! This realization was very encouraging because my thoughts spin out of control into really dark places because I beat myself up for being abnormally not normal. Society tells us that we have to look a certain way, but we have a God who is original. Don't listen to the worldly lies! Besides, how boring would this world be if everyone were the same?
   
2. We live in a spiritual world. Or, to be even more direct, recognize that we live in a spiritual warfare. Therefore, panic, fear, and insecurities could actually be Satanic attacks.
3. Anticipate the riches of God's spiritual world. For example, the name of Jesus has a lot of power and authority. When we pray in Jesus' name, let's pray with conviction! Also, when unbiblical thoughts and feelings creep in, let's cast them out in Jesus' name!
   

I also spent some time in John chapter 2 this evening. In this passage, Jesus performs His first miracle - that is, turning water into wine. Those who grew up in the church should be really familiar with this passage. However, let's take a closer look. The water that Jesus used was from the stone water jar. The kind of jars that hold the filthy water left from people washing their dirty hands in order to eat food with their hands. And Jesus chose to use this particular filthy water, that other people would throw away, to serve the best wine that won the praise of the master of the banquet! Isn't that symbolic of the reason why Jesus came to serve, die on the cross, and rise again?

When I realized that we are like the filthy water that everyone else would throw away, but Jesus came to redeem us, I could not help but weep and weep and weep. As I cried, I felt God's presence fill my heart, melting my heart of stone and replacing it with a heart of flesh. I also felt Him saying, "You are my beloved daughter. I love you so much. I am your perfect Father - the kind of parent that you have always wanted... Abide in me."

I plan to continue spending a lot of time reading and rereading the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John over and over again in the coming months. I want to know Christ well. Moreover, the only way for me to love those around me and show them true grace is have Christ's love and grace overflow from my heart naturally (even on my best days, I am far too limited and sinful to show others true grace and love).

Amen.

oh God, be near

I grew up in the church, but I did not read Scripture on my own until I was in middle school. Even then, I read the bible out of a works-based understanding of Christianity. In fact, it was not until I was in college that I understood that Christianity is a relationship with a living God. Furthermore, it was not until recently that I started to find true joy in reading Scripture and praying.

Having said that, a lot of my understanding of God's character was shaped by bits and pieces that I gathered through sermons, bible studies, and retreats. Naturally, this left me to fill in the blank spaces on my own. Thankfully, but to my utter dismay, I have been realizing how wrong I have been in some of the fundamental features about God's character, including the difference between God's omnipresence and His close presence.

To be more specific, I grew up learning that one of God's infinite character is that He is omnipresent. For many years, I mistook this as thinking that He is with everyone. However, a closer look at Scripture shows that this is not the case at all! So... who is God not near?

1. God is not with the proud ("Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar" Psalm 138:6)
2. God is not with the worldly ("You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world means enmity with God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God" James 4:4)
3. God is not with the rebellious ("Ah, sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, offspring of evildoers, children who deal corruptly! They have forsaken the LORD, they have despised the Holy One of Israel, they are utterly estranged. Why will you still be struck down? Why will you continue to rebel? The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint" Isaiah 1:4,5)
4. God is not with those who harbor secret, private sin ("If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened" Psalm 66:18)

Even before I learned this, I have been lifting up prayers of repentance and thanksgiving every day. I have come to a point where I am now asking God to open my eyes so that I may see and repent of anything and everything that is hindering my relationship with Him.

I am not saying this to boast. In fact, if you know me, you would know that one of the bible verses that I hold very close to my heart is 1 Timothy 1:15, which reads, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst." I am sharing this as a testimony. Growing up, I broke a lot of hearts, including my parents'. Therefore, for someone like me to be where I am now is only a testimony of God's infinite grace and mercy and proof that God will use anybody - even a dreadful sinner like me - for His Kingdom's work.

My brothers and sisters, I urge you to spend time every day reading Scripture and praying. Be honest before God for He is your loving and forgiving Father. At the same time, be humble before Him because He is God, the King of kings and Lord of lords.

a few words of encouragement...

Regardless of our circumstances, I hope we are all having a great week because we have a great God.

For those of you who are going through a difficult time, take heart!

• If you are facing financial difficulty, recall God’s words when He said, “‘Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,’ says the LORD Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it’” (Malachi 3:10). The same God who challenged the Israelites in the Old Testament challenges us today. God sees your situation. Don’t hoard. At the same time, be wise with how you spend.
  
• If you are facing emotional difficulty, recall that it is written, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). As Ed Welch, one of my favorite Westminster professors, used to say, “There are two types of people: Those who cry out to God and those who cry in their beds.” Let’s be the former, my brothers and sisters!

Overall, remember that God is in control. Nothing is a problem. He is God. He is sovereign over rebellion (think: Jonah), sin (think: Joseph), and world events (think: Esther). Even though we do not know what’s going to happen or when, we can trust God. Finally, God promises to fill us with joy and peace and overflow us with hope (Romans 15:13, paraphrased). All He commands us to do is to trust Him. So put God first. Trust Him to keep His promises. He is faithful. He is able. He is willing.

For those of you who are going through a memorable week, may God continue to overflow you with His blessings! However, in your comfort, do not forget God or those around you. Remember the greatest commandment in all that you do today: “Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments’” (Matthew 22:37-40).

Be blessed and be a blessing!

Overview: "Always True, God's Promises"

I went to the "Always True, God's Promises When Life is Hard" women's bible study last night. Each week, we will be focusing on one of the following five promises:

1. I will not fear; God is always with me.
2. I will not doubt; God is always in control.
3. I will not despair; God is always good.
4. I will not falter; God is always watching.
5. I will not fail; God is always victorious.

Last night's topic was, "I will not doubt; God is always in control." There are so many things I want to share, but let me unpack Proverbs 3:5-6, which was the key bible verse for this lesson:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart"

• God wants our total commitment
• Doubt is devastating to my soul
• Doubt is for the soul what infidelity is to marriage; foreclosure is to mortgage; and cancer is to the body
  
• When I doubt what God has said, it's destructive to me in every possible way
  
• When I believe what God has said, it's really good for me

"and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him" in every decision

• The conditional promise is that if you do your part, God will do His part

"and he will make straight your paths"

• God will pave the way for you
• God promises the safest, fastest, smoothest road to the best possible destination

Finally, what does it mean for God to be sovereign?

• God is in control
• There is nothing impossible or too hard for God
• God never over-promises and under-delivers

And what is God sovereign over?

• God is sovereign over rebellion (think: Jonah, Jonah 1:4, 1:17, 4:6)
  
• God is sovereign over sin (think: Joseph, Genesis 50:20)
  
• God is sovereign over world events (think: Esther, Esther 4:13-14)

The bible study itself is a well-spent two hours with my sisters in Christ, but that is not where we stop. There are bible studies for us to do on our own throughout the week (which is awesome!). I promise to write down my reflections here - I hope it will bless you, too!

Your words over mine

In my previous entry, I shared how I always thought my 27th year would be filled with happy memories as I start settling down in life. However, this has not been the case. Not only am I far from settling down, but I honestly do not remember crying this much in one year. Regardless of circumstances, my heart has been broken again and again. It makes me feel abandoned, neglected, and overlooked by God.

Ever since a few weeks ago, I have been working part-time at Church of the Saviour. The past couple weeks, I have been using my lunch breaks to pray in the sanctuary (perhaps the greatest perk of working at church?). Today, I prayed during my lunch break. However, that wasn't enough. So I asked my manager if I could take a 10-minute break to pray again. However, that wasn't enough, either. So I apologized and asked to be dismissed early because I had to pray some more.

God knows my financial needs far better than I do. So I don't understand why I got rejected by yet another company. God also knows my desire for marriage. So I don't understand why I am interested in someone who is supposedly too good with women and has a messy past with a non-Christian girl. Both news broke my heart.

So, as I sat there in the first pew at the foot of the cross, I felt like God was overlooking my needs and desires. I felt like God was teasing me. I felt... I felt... I felt. But I told myself NO. And I asked the Holy Spirit to press biblical truths upon my heart. Thankfully, bible verses started coming to me. Like, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9). And, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). And, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4). And, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it" (Matthew 7:13-14).

Tomorrow, I will be joining a women's Bible study at Church of the Saviour. It's called, "Always True, God's Promises When Life is Hard." I signed up for it, even though the Bible study started two weeks ago, I have a lot on my plate already, and the $10 enrollment fee is a sacrifice for me right now. Logic says no, my soul says YES. My prayer is that this class will be one more way for God to meet me in an intimate way.

27.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

Proverbs 16:9

Tonight was the first GCC Villanova small group for the Spring semester, so we all shared a highlight from our winter break. I said that I turned 27 earlier this month. Almost everyone was surprised. They thought I was in my early 20's (please insert a warm, appreciative smile here).

Yes, yes... I am 27 years old.

For as long as I can remember, I thought I would be settling down this year - individually and relationally. To be more specific, I thought I would have my career figured out and that I would be getting married this summer. You know what? I don't have my life figured out - I'll be doing a lot of new things this year, including starting a PhD program (I hope!), but the LORD has yet to show me a man of God who is adored by my parents and me.

So that's when I realized what I want my New Years resolution to be for 2011: I want to dedicate this year to God. The year that I have looked forward to for so long. The year that I had always thought would be the "golden year". The year I thought would be all about me. I want to turn it upside down and make it less about me and more about God. Please feel free to hold me accountable.