Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Your words over mine


In my previous entry, I shared how I always thought my 27th year would be filled with happy memories as I start settling down in life. However, this has not been the case. Not only am I far from settling down, but I honestly do not remember crying this much in one year. Regardless of circumstances, my heart has been broken again and again. It makes me feel abandoned, neglected, and overlooked by God.

Ever since a few weeks ago, I have been working part-time at Church of the Saviour. The past couple weeks, I have been using my lunch breaks to pray in the sanctuary (perhaps the greatest perk of working at church?). Today, I prayed during my lunch break. However, that wasn't enough. So I asked my manager if I could take a 10-minute break to pray again. However, that wasn't enough, either. So I apologized and asked to be dismissed early because I had to pray some more.

God knows my financial needs far better than I do. So I don't understand why I got rejected by yet another company. God also knows my desire for marriage. So I don't understand why I am interested in someone who is supposedly too good with women and has a messy past with a non-Christian girl. Both news broke my heart.

So, as I sat there in the first pew at the foot of the cross, I felt like God was overlooking my needs and desires. I felt like God was teasing me. I felt... I felt... I felt. But I told myself NO. And I asked the Holy Spirit to press biblical truths upon my heart. Thankfully, bible verses started coming to me. Like, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9). And, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). And, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4). And, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it" (Matthew 7:13-14).

Tomorrow, I will be joining a women's Bible study at Church of the Saviour. It's called, "Always True, God's Promises When Life is Hard." I signed up for it, even though the Bible study started two weeks ago, I have a lot on my plate already, and the $10 enrollment fee is a sacrifice for me right now. Logic says no, my soul says YES. My prayer is that this class will be one more way for God to meet me in an intimate way.

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