prepare for battle!

"What is the battle? To risk unpopularity by preaching the cross as a real cross on which a real Savior shed real blood for real sinners headed for a real hell. The battle is giving up the pretence that we are all nice people. The battle is taking the gospel to the lost with radical devotion. The battle is to own nothing in order to own Christ. The battle is to have no righteousness except the righteousness of God through faith in Christ. The battle is to attack the dark places of the earth with all the energy of the Spirit and the conquering gospel of the substitutionary death of Christ."

- C. John Miller's The Heart of Servant Leader

faithful Father

God...

Thank You for loving me... especially as much as You do.

I don't know why You love me or why You chose me in the first place. I constantly swing from one idol to another and back again. Even at my best, I am afraid I will not be able to love You the way You deserve. Everything I have is Yours, so it's not like I can give You anything that You don't have already.

In my sinful pride, I think it's noble for me to live on 10% of what I make and use the other 90% for Your ministry. Please forgive me. I know everything I have is a gift from You. After all, I know what You want.

But in my selfishness, I wonder if You are asking for too much... all my heart, all my strength, all my mind... all the time? Really, God? Is that even possible?

In my brokeness, I wonder why You'd even want me at all. My own mother doesn't seem to want me sometimes - even when I do everything I can to keep her happy. And do I even have to mention that no guy is pursuing me? (I was sure that I would be married by the time I was 27... that's next year!)

I had promised you at least the first year of seminary - no plans for the future, no romantic relationships. Ohhhh, how I have failed! What's even worse is that I try to rationalize it all in my mind: I need to plan accordingly for the next step, right? If I'm serious about being a professor, I should take the GMATs one last time and apply for schools starting this fall, right? If I'm serious about pursuing a corporate career, I should take the CFA exam this June, right? And, what's wrong with being friends with the guy for now and then start dating this summer? We can't just date without knowing each other first as friends, right? It takes time to become true friends, doesn't it?

But you know my heart. So why are You so faithful to me when I have been so unfaithful? What is more fascinating is that You give me no other option than to keep my promises. Even when I try to break my own promises, You shut the doors. You love me so much that You won't let me continue to make decisions that I may regret later. Why do You love me so much even when I act like I don't love You sometimes? Clearly, it's not because I deserve to be loved by You.

Do You see something in me that I do not see? Should I finally risk it all and see what it looks like to gain the most important One of all? I'm scared. Letting go of all the comforts in this world. I know You make everything in this world pale in comparison to You - I have caught glimpses of that. But being the sick person that I am, I return to my own vomit again and again. I feel so pathetic. hopeless. helpless. unloveable. Yet the God of gods and King of kings runs to welcome me?! I know it's not because of anything I did or anything I am. If You were anybody else and I treated You the way I do, You would have cursed and left me a long time ago.

I'm sorry for being so unfaithful. Thank You for being so patient, forgiving, loving, faithful, helpful, thoughtful - more than I deserve, more than I could even imagine to ask for.

I love You. Help me to love You more.

Always,


- me -

only mist

"... yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life?

For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."

- James 4:14

I came back from the KUC YG retreat today. It was centered around the Bible - the theme of the retreat was "Sola Scriptura", which means, "Scripture alone". It was moving - the GCC NJ praise band led our hearts in worship before every sermon and throughout the prayer sessions. It was life-transforming - the speaker was Emmanuel's Pastor Dan, and I learned so much from him.

One of the sermons he gave was based on James 4:13-17. If I had to pick just three lessons that I learned from this sermon, they would be:

1. There are four types of God's Will: His sovereign will - His will for our salvation; His moral will - where we get a sense of what is right and wrong; His revealed will - His Word (the Bible), which shows His heart for us; and His unrevealed will - His will for our individual lives (whom we should marry, what career we should pursue, etc.)
2. The most dangerous life is not in the Word of God. The most dangerous life is outside the Word of God. The safest place to be is in the Word of God. If that means inconvenience, persecution, etc., that's the safest place to be. It's better to be in the middle of the storm in God's Hands than to be on a peaceful and quiet beach on vacation apart from Him.
3. Real obedience is trusting God completely - even if it means killing your dreams; even if it doesn't make sense (think: Abraham's obedience when God called him to kill his beloved son Isaac).

Simply put, I want to love God more. However, how could I love Him if I do not know Him? So I will continue to memorize a Bible verse before each meal (as we did during the retreat) and read the Bible every day (even if it's only for a few minutes). As Pastor Dan told us to do, I promise not to let a single day go by without touching (i.e., reading) the Bible. Hopefully, I will become a daughter of God of whom He says, "I have to be careful what I tell Christine to do - because she will do it." I want to be that available to God.

new beginnings

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

- Jeremiah 29:11

I thank God for my accountability partners. It takes a lot of patience, courage, and love to rebuke and encourage me. After many conversations, thoughts, and prayers, there will be some changes in my life, which will take effective immediately.

My commitment to stay single for the rest of this school year is over. Various people have given me different reasons for why this is not a good idea. I had good intentions, but it was not a conviction that I got from God. After a very difficult break-up with someone I thought would be my husband in the near future, I knew I needed a lot of time before I started considering dating again. I also knew I needed time to spend with God after He heals my heart from the break-up and before I date someone else.

Well, after nine long months, my heart is completely healed. Looking back, I realize that God did not wait for my heart to heal from the break-up to mold me, change me, and challenge me. In fact, He has never stopped doing any of these things - and more! He has been actively working in me all along. God loves me so much that, as Dr. Edgar, my Introduction to Apologetics professor, once said, "He sneaks in through the side window or the back door."

In retrospect, I am able to see that waiting until the end of this year to think about dating has been more of a stumbling block than a blessing or a helpful guide. I have become so legalistic about it that if God had put it on a guy's heart to ask me out, I would have turned him away (no matter how much I liked him back!)... simply because he asked me out before the end of the year. On the flip side, I have been viewing the end of the school year as if it were the end of a term sentence. Therefore, instead of putting God in a box or having an unGodly view of this year, I decided to be prayerful about the future. Of course, this may mean that it will be shorter or longer than a year, but I think this is a much better way to approach life in general. After all, as John Piper once said, "He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

However, in order to focus on God, I have also decided to actively make some other changes, including deactivating my Facebook account, signing out of gchat, and not studying at the WTS library. All three have been great ways of keeping in touch with friends, but I need some time and space because I have been struggling to see and treat a particular brother as a brother.

Please keep me in your prayers. Also, since I will be MIA, please e-mail (cychung06@gmail.com) or call me (551.655.0192) with any updates and/or prayer requests. Finally, if you are in the Philadelphia area and want to grow and pray with Westminster seminary students on Monday and Wednesday mornings, please meet in Room 1 of Van Til at 7:30am!

humbled

"Look on everyone who is proud and bring [her] low

and tread down the wicked where they stand."

- Job 40:12

This morning, I wrote an e-mail to one of my accountability partners. I doubt many people read my blog, so if you are reading this right now, I believe it is no mistake. Please hold me accountable! So my e-mail reads something like this:

Hey Jen*,

I've been getting that rebuke a lot - that is, to see and treat brothers as brothers. It's been a process that's been taking me many years, and I've been getting a lot better, but I still struggle. I'm just really assertive, aggressive, and outgoing, so it's unnatural for me to chill out sometimes, haha. Also, often times, my self-esteem is based upon who views me as a potential.

Can you please keep me in your prayers? Please pray that:

• I will not think that it's okay for me to treat brothers and sisters the same - since I'm really outgoing and friendly, I should be extra careful to treat guys as brothers.
• I will be very alert of my boundaries with guys. I have been really careful with physical boundaries (i.e., not giving them hugs, not punching their arm, not pushing them away playfully, etc.), but I need to be more careful with emotional, verbal (i.e., being intentional with my words), and temporal (i.e., not talking to them for a long time, not gchatting with them late at night) boundaries.
• I view myself through God's eyes, so that my self-esteem will be based on Him

humbled,

me

* The name has been changed to protect the person's identity

have Your way

I went to GCC's Passion Revival last night, and they sang this song for the first time: Hillsong United's Arms Open Wide

I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me!

i love You

"No one can serve two masters,

for either he will hate the one and love the other,

or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.

You cannot serve God and money."

- Matthew 6:24

I surrender the idols of my life - the things I cling onto - the source of my happiness and security - the things that preoccupy my mind most of my waking (and sleeping!) hours. I trust You. Have Your way with me. I trust You. No matter what happens.

Knowing myself, it may be a step-by-step, moment-by-moment kind of trust, but at least for the moment, I trust You.

You are sweeter than anything in this world. Everything else is so fleeting. You have used Your words and actions to convince me of Your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Forgive me for turning to other things and people for my security and happiness.

I will rejoice in You... even if You never give me the desires of my heart, I will choose to love You. I know I am able to love You only because You loved me first. That's all I need to love You despite my circumstances. You are all I need. I acknowledge that You are God. You give and take away as You see fit. You need to provide me no reason. Everything I have is from You, anyway.

You will never forsake me. You are always with me - through the good times, but especially when I'm sad, afraid, or in despair.

How did I not see You there before? How could I have been so blind?

But now I see You have been, You are, and You will always be with me... holding me close, never letting me go. Thank You. I love You, too.