love is.... love is....... hmm, what is love?

"Love is patient, love is kind."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4

I have been dating someone new for the past two weeks. Like most relationships, everything seemed amazing and perfect in the beginning. However, our level of consideration, respect, and trust for each other was what helped solidify the foundation of our relationship. Yet, even in such a safety nest, we had our first argument last night (and by "we", I actually mean I was yelling at him, while he listened and apologized).

After talking with my accountability partner E. and my sister G., I realized that I was in the wrong. God had given me an opportunity to shine grace in M.'s moment of weakness, and I had failed miserably. Feeling horrible, I left three voice messages and countless text messages the next few hours. M. called me at 4:00am in the most calm and forgiving tone of voice - he was not angry at all. About a week or two ago, I had shared with him stories about my anger management issues in past relationships, so he figured it would be only a matter of time before I lost my cool with him. He said it still hurt, but he understands where I am coming from. He then reassured me that he is committed to this relationship, so he will work on being more considerate. He also said that he hopes this relationship will continue to be healing for the both of us.

Later on in the day (about an hour ago), he gently asked me what love was. Not knowing where he was going with this, I hesitatingly answered, "..... God?" He replied, "Yes... but what specifically is love?" I still did not understand where he was going with his question, and I quite honestly do not enjoy guessing games, so I slowly started quoting 1 Corinthians 13, hoping I had given him the answer he was looking for. After listening to me for a moment, he asked me to repeat what the first two were. I said, "Love is patient, love is kind." He encouraged me to really meditate on those words so that it resonates in my heart. He then shared that he is dedicated to helping me live out 1 Corinthians 13 so that even if we break up someday, our relationship would have had a positive and lasting impact on the rest of my life.

I am humbled on three accounts. First, I am humbled by his patience and maturity - which I experienced first-hand when I received forgiveness so quickly and without any punishment. Second, I am humbled by his gentleness, loving encouragement, and dedication in helping me grow in love. Finally, M. may not be able to quote much Scripture, but whatever he does know, he has sincerely committed those words to his own heart - as someone who grew up in the church and even graduated from seminary, I am ashamed to say that I may be able to quote Scripture with more finesse than M. could, but those words of God have not always changed my life.

All in all, I am very thankful to have a boyfriend like M.... but I am also quite intimidated. I have never been with anyone so level-headed. I don't know how to take it, but it should be an exciting and eventful journey ahead. I will be sure to journal along the way.

blessed - endlessly

"Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons...”

- John 2:6

I have been really busy lately. Not only am I working as a part-time receptionist at Church of the Saviour, but I have also been studying for license exams in order to be a financial advisor at Independence Wealth Strategies (IWS), which is an office of MetLife (think: Snoopy).

After interviewing with various companies, I decided to work here because of three main reasons:

1. I believe being a financial advisor will be a great way to combine my business and counseling background
2. I like and agree with MetLife and Independence Wealth Strategies' business structure
   
3. During prayer time at the KUC Youth Group retreat in December 2009, I felt I received the calling to become a financial advisor. It did not make any sense to me at the time because I did not have the credentials or experience to jump from Project Management to Finance. However, my first round of one-on-one interviews with IWS lasted three hours (and I later found out that every candidate after me has heard my name). It was also encouraging when I scored 10 out of 10 on the hour-long on-line exam. I also passed my first of three license exams on Friday!

I have started studying for the Series 7, which I will be taking on November 4th, so please pray for me that I will continue to do my best as a servant of God!

As I just mentioned, my first license exam was this past Friday. I was ahead of my study schedule as of Monday evening. However, I fell behind schedule the rest of the week because I was extremely unproductive on Tuesday and Wednesday due to dark thoughts triggered by intense insecurities of feeling less-than-normal physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I passed the Life and Health exam on Friday!

After putting together the study material for the Series 7 exam, I headed for the GCC Women's retreat. Here are a few lessons I took away from the retreat:

1. I am not the only one who struggles with insecurities. In fact, every woman I spoke with at the retreat openly shared many of the same struggles with which I struggle! This realization was very encouraging because my thoughts spin out of control into really dark places because I beat myself up for being abnormally not normal. Society tells us that we have to look a certain way, but we have a God who is original. Don't listen to the worldly lies! Besides, how boring would this world be if everyone were the same?
   
2. We live in a spiritual world. Or, to be even more direct, recognize that we live in a spiritual warfare. Therefore, panic, fear, and insecurities could actually be Satanic attacks.
3. Anticipate the riches of God's spiritual world. For example, the name of Jesus has a lot of power and authority. When we pray in Jesus' name, let's pray with conviction! Also, when unbiblical thoughts and feelings creep in, let's cast them out in Jesus' name!
   

I also spent some time in John chapter 2 this evening. In this passage, Jesus performs His first miracle - that is, turning water into wine. Those who grew up in the church should be really familiar with this passage. However, let's take a closer look. The water that Jesus used was from the stone water jar. The kind of jars that hold the filthy water left from people washing their dirty hands in order to eat food with their hands. And Jesus chose to use this particular filthy water, that other people would throw away, to serve the best wine that won the praise of the master of the banquet! Isn't that symbolic of the reason why Jesus came to serve, die on the cross, and rise again?

When I realized that we are like the filthy water that everyone else would throw away, but Jesus came to redeem us, I could not help but weep and weep and weep. As I cried, I felt God's presence fill my heart, melting my heart of stone and replacing it with a heart of flesh. I also felt Him saying, "You are my beloved daughter. I love you so much. I am your perfect Father - the kind of parent that you have always wanted... Abide in me."

I plan to continue spending a lot of time reading and rereading the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John over and over again in the coming months. I want to know Christ well. Moreover, the only way for me to love those around me and show them true grace is have Christ's love and grace overflow from my heart naturally (even on my best days, I am far too limited and sinful to show others true grace and love).

Amen.

oh God, be near

I grew up in the church, but I did not read Scripture on my own until I was in middle school. Even then, I read the bible out of a works-based understanding of Christianity. In fact, it was not until I was in college that I understood that Christianity is a relationship with a living God. Furthermore, it was not until recently that I started to find true joy in reading Scripture and praying.

Having said that, a lot of my understanding of God's character was shaped by bits and pieces that I gathered through sermons, bible studies, and retreats. Naturally, this left me to fill in the blank spaces on my own. Thankfully, but to my utter dismay, I have been realizing how wrong I have been in some of the fundamental features about God's character, including the difference between God's omnipresence and His close presence.

To be more specific, I grew up learning that one of God's infinite character is that He is omnipresent. For many years, I mistook this as thinking that He is with everyone. However, a closer look at Scripture shows that this is not the case at all! So... who is God not near?

1. God is not with the proud ("Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar" Psalm 138:6)
2. God is not with the worldly ("You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world means enmity with God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God" James 4:4)
3. God is not with the rebellious ("Ah, sinful nation, a people laden with iniquity, offspring of evildoers, children who deal corruptly! They have forsaken the LORD, they have despised the Holy One of Israel, they are utterly estranged. Why will you still be struck down? Why will you continue to rebel? The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint" Isaiah 1:4,5)
4. God is not with those who harbor secret, private sin ("If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened" Psalm 66:18)

Even before I learned this, I have been lifting up prayers of repentance and thanksgiving every day. I have come to a point where I am now asking God to open my eyes so that I may see and repent of anything and everything that is hindering my relationship with Him.

I am not saying this to boast. In fact, if you know me, you would know that one of the bible verses that I hold very close to my heart is 1 Timothy 1:15, which reads, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst." I am sharing this as a testimony. Growing up, I broke a lot of hearts, including my parents'. Therefore, for someone like me to be where I am now is only a testimony of God's infinite grace and mercy and proof that God will use anybody - even a dreadful sinner like me - for His Kingdom's work.

My brothers and sisters, I urge you to spend time every day reading Scripture and praying. Be honest before God for He is your loving and forgiving Father. At the same time, be humble before Him because He is God, the King of kings and Lord of lords.

a few words of encouragement...

Regardless of our circumstances, I hope we are all having a great week because we have a great God.

For those of you who are going through a difficult time, take heart!

• If you are facing financial difficulty, recall God’s words when He said, “‘Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,’ says the LORD Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it’” (Malachi 3:10). The same God who challenged the Israelites in the Old Testament challenges us today. God sees your situation. Don’t hoard. At the same time, be wise with how you spend.
  
• If you are facing emotional difficulty, recall that it is written, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). As Ed Welch, one of my favorite Westminster professors, used to say, “There are two types of people: Those who cry out to God and those who cry in their beds.” Let’s be the former, my brothers and sisters!

Overall, remember that God is in control. Nothing is a problem. He is God. He is sovereign over rebellion (think: Jonah), sin (think: Joseph), and world events (think: Esther). Even though we do not know what’s going to happen or when, we can trust God. Finally, God promises to fill us with joy and peace and overflow us with hope (Romans 15:13, paraphrased). All He commands us to do is to trust Him. So put God first. Trust Him to keep His promises. He is faithful. He is able. He is willing.

For those of you who are going through a memorable week, may God continue to overflow you with His blessings! However, in your comfort, do not forget God or those around you. Remember the greatest commandment in all that you do today: “Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments’” (Matthew 22:37-40).

Be blessed and be a blessing!

Overview: "Always True, God's Promises"

I went to the "Always True, God's Promises When Life is Hard" women's bible study last night. Each week, we will be focusing on one of the following five promises:

1. I will not fear; God is always with me.
2. I will not doubt; God is always in control.
3. I will not despair; God is always good.
4. I will not falter; God is always watching.
5. I will not fail; God is always victorious.

Last night's topic was, "I will not doubt; God is always in control." There are so many things I want to share, but let me unpack Proverbs 3:5-6, which was the key bible verse for this lesson:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart"

• God wants our total commitment
• Doubt is devastating to my soul
• Doubt is for the soul what infidelity is to marriage; foreclosure is to mortgage; and cancer is to the body
  
• When I doubt what God has said, it's destructive to me in every possible way
  
• When I believe what God has said, it's really good for me

"and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him" in every decision

• The conditional promise is that if you do your part, God will do His part

"and he will make straight your paths"

• God will pave the way for you
• God promises the safest, fastest, smoothest road to the best possible destination

Finally, what does it mean for God to be sovereign?

• God is in control
• There is nothing impossible or too hard for God
• God never over-promises and under-delivers

And what is God sovereign over?

• God is sovereign over rebellion (think: Jonah, Jonah 1:4, 1:17, 4:6)
  
• God is sovereign over sin (think: Joseph, Genesis 50:20)
  
• God is sovereign over world events (think: Esther, Esther 4:13-14)

The bible study itself is a well-spent two hours with my sisters in Christ, but that is not where we stop. There are bible studies for us to do on our own throughout the week (which is awesome!). I promise to write down my reflections here - I hope it will bless you, too!

Your words over mine

In my previous entry, I shared how I always thought my 27th year would be filled with happy memories as I start settling down in life. However, this has not been the case. Not only am I far from settling down, but I honestly do not remember crying this much in one year. Regardless of circumstances, my heart has been broken again and again. It makes me feel abandoned, neglected, and overlooked by God.

Ever since a few weeks ago, I have been working part-time at Church of the Saviour. The past couple weeks, I have been using my lunch breaks to pray in the sanctuary (perhaps the greatest perk of working at church?). Today, I prayed during my lunch break. However, that wasn't enough. So I asked my manager if I could take a 10-minute break to pray again. However, that wasn't enough, either. So I apologized and asked to be dismissed early because I had to pray some more.

God knows my financial needs far better than I do. So I don't understand why I got rejected by yet another company. God also knows my desire for marriage. So I don't understand why I am interested in someone who is supposedly too good with women and has a messy past with a non-Christian girl. Both news broke my heart.

So, as I sat there in the first pew at the foot of the cross, I felt like God was overlooking my needs and desires. I felt like God was teasing me. I felt... I felt... I felt. But I told myself NO. And I asked the Holy Spirit to press biblical truths upon my heart. Thankfully, bible verses started coming to me. Like, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9). And, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). And, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4). And, "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it" (Matthew 7:13-14).

Tomorrow, I will be joining a women's Bible study at Church of the Saviour. It's called, "Always True, God's Promises When Life is Hard." I signed up for it, even though the Bible study started two weeks ago, I have a lot on my plate already, and the $10 enrollment fee is a sacrifice for me right now. Logic says no, my soul says YES. My prayer is that this class will be one more way for God to meet me in an intimate way.

27.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

Proverbs 16:9

Tonight was the first GCC Villanova small group for the Spring semester, so we all shared a highlight from our winter break. I said that I turned 27 earlier this month. Almost everyone was surprised. They thought I was in my early 20's (please insert a warm, appreciative smile here).

Yes, yes... I am 27 years old.

For as long as I can remember, I thought I would be settling down this year - individually and relationally. To be more specific, I thought I would have my career figured out and that I would be getting married this summer. You know what? I don't have my life figured out - I'll be doing a lot of new things this year, including starting a PhD program (I hope!), but the LORD has yet to show me a man of God who is adored by my parents and me.

So that's when I realized what I want my New Years resolution to be for 2011: I want to dedicate this year to God. The year that I have looked forward to for so long. The year that I had always thought would be the "golden year". The year I thought would be all about me. I want to turn it upside down and make it less about me and more about God. Please feel free to hold me accountable.

excerpt from Dr. Mininger's closing statement

At the end of the last class for Biblical Theology II, the professor shared his thoughts about who we are as Christians. I was so touched that I had to fight back tears. I hope it blesses you, too!

"Who are we? We are a people fallen in Adam, preserved in Noah, given promises in Abraham, brought out of Egypt under Moses, settled temporarily in a visible, earthly kingdom through Joshua, ruled for a time by David and his sinful sons, driven out of that visible kingdom by Assyria and Babylon, restored under Ezra and Nehemiah, yet without glory, all the while longing for something greater, awaiting not just a better country on earth or a better political system here and now but a consummated life with God, a heavenly city. We are a people for whom the eternal Son became man, for whom he died and rose again and is exalted, having received every blessing in himself, inaugurated the age to come, opened up the heavenly tabernacle for priestly service, given us the power of the age to come in the Spirit dwelling within us. We are a people whose lives are now hidden in the heavenly places in Christ. We have died to this world and our lives will appear with him in glory when he returns. We are a people who, though we have possessions, live as if we did not; though we have earthly citizenships, live from one that is not at all of this world. We are a people whose ultimate destiny is detached from this world so that we can serve this world through sacrificial lives poured out like that of our Savior. We are freed from this world and from slavery to sin and death for a purpose, that is, so that we can be slaves to the Lord of hosts and vessels of his mercy in an evil age. We are a people who long for the ultimate, visible establishment of God's kingdom in glory and power, not by what we do, but by what He Himself will do when Christ reappears!"

- Marcus Mininger
May 6, 2010

21 questions

My father has this uncanny ability to get to the root of every issue. I believe God used my father's intelligence and logic to turn me back to Christ during winter break of my Junior year in college (please let me know if you would like to hear that story sometime). Last night, I believe God used my father again to face my fear head-on.

After asking me seemingly countless questions, I finally screamed out with frustration, "Because I'm scared! I'm scared that I'll never get married! I know I should trust God, but it doesn't help that I'm getting older and older... I feel like other girls are snatching up all the good guys!"

He had asked me why I am praying about celibacy and why I want to commit my life to a demanding career in Finance. I guess a part of me knew that I was scared, but I was also too scared to admit that I was scared -- almost as if admitting my fear would make my fear real. Furthermore, I have been telling myself that, as a 26 year old, I have at least another couple years to stay single. Not to mention, words like "snatching up" were never in my vocabulary, so I was shocked by my own words.

My dad then asked me what would happen in an ideal world. I said that if I had no limitations, I would start dating now and get married next year. My dad asked me why I am studying for the CFAs, instead of spending that time being socially active. He said that was like asking God for something and then not giving God any opportunity to answer my prayers.

prepare for battle!

"What is the battle? To risk unpopularity by preaching the cross as a real cross on which a real Savior shed real blood for real sinners headed for a real hell. The battle is giving up the pretence that we are all nice people. The battle is taking the gospel to the lost with radical devotion. The battle is to own nothing in order to own Christ. The battle is to have no righteousness except the righteousness of God through faith in Christ. The battle is to attack the dark places of the earth with all the energy of the Spirit and the conquering gospel of the substitutionary death of Christ."

- C. John Miller's The Heart of Servant Leader

faithful Father

God...

Thank You for loving me... especially as much as You do.

I don't know why You love me or why You chose me in the first place. I constantly swing from one idol to another and back again. Even at my best, I am afraid I will not be able to love You the way You deserve. Everything I have is Yours, so it's not like I can give You anything that You don't have already.

In my sinful pride, I think it's noble for me to live on 10% of what I make and use the other 90% for Your ministry. Please forgive me. I know everything I have is a gift from You. After all, I know what You want.

But in my selfishness, I wonder if You are asking for too much... all my heart, all my strength, all my mind... all the time? Really, God? Is that even possible?

In my brokeness, I wonder why You'd even want me at all. My own mother doesn't seem to want me sometimes - even when I do everything I can to keep her happy. And do I even have to mention that no guy is pursuing me? (I was sure that I would be married by the time I was 27... that's next year!)

I had promised you at least the first year of seminary - no plans for the future, no romantic relationships. Ohhhh, how I have failed! What's even worse is that I try to rationalize it all in my mind: I need to plan accordingly for the next step, right? If I'm serious about being a professor, I should take the GMATs one last time and apply for schools starting this fall, right? If I'm serious about pursuing a corporate career, I should take the CFA exam this June, right? And, what's wrong with being friends with the guy for now and then start dating this summer? We can't just date without knowing each other first as friends, right? It takes time to become true friends, doesn't it?

But you know my heart. So why are You so faithful to me when I have been so unfaithful? What is more fascinating is that You give me no other option than to keep my promises. Even when I try to break my own promises, You shut the doors. You love me so much that You won't let me continue to make decisions that I may regret later. Why do You love me so much even when I act like I don't love You sometimes? Clearly, it's not because I deserve to be loved by You.

Do You see something in me that I do not see? Should I finally risk it all and see what it looks like to gain the most important One of all? I'm scared. Letting go of all the comforts in this world. I know You make everything in this world pale in comparison to You - I have caught glimpses of that. But being the sick person that I am, I return to my own vomit again and again. I feel so pathetic. hopeless. helpless. unloveable. Yet the God of gods and King of kings runs to welcome me?! I know it's not because of anything I did or anything I am. If You were anybody else and I treated You the way I do, You would have cursed and left me a long time ago.

I'm sorry for being so unfaithful. Thank You for being so patient, forgiving, loving, faithful, helpful, thoughtful - more than I deserve, more than I could even imagine to ask for.

I love You. Help me to love You more.

Always,


- me -

only mist

"... yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life?

For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."

- James 4:14

I came back from the KUC YG retreat today. It was centered around the Bible - the theme of the retreat was "Sola Scriptura", which means, "Scripture alone". It was moving - the GCC NJ praise band led our hearts in worship before every sermon and throughout the prayer sessions. It was life-transforming - the speaker was Emmanuel's Pastor Dan, and I learned so much from him.

One of the sermons he gave was based on James 4:13-17. If I had to pick just three lessons that I learned from this sermon, they would be:

1. There are four types of God's Will: His sovereign will - His will for our salvation; His moral will - where we get a sense of what is right and wrong; His revealed will - His Word (the Bible), which shows His heart for us; and His unrevealed will - His will for our individual lives (whom we should marry, what career we should pursue, etc.)
2. The most dangerous life is not in the Word of God. The most dangerous life is outside the Word of God. The safest place to be is in the Word of God. If that means inconvenience, persecution, etc., that's the safest place to be. It's better to be in the middle of the storm in God's Hands than to be on a peaceful and quiet beach on vacation apart from Him.
3. Real obedience is trusting God completely - even if it means killing your dreams; even if it doesn't make sense (think: Abraham's obedience when God called him to kill his beloved son Isaac).

Simply put, I want to love God more. However, how could I love Him if I do not know Him? So I will continue to memorize a Bible verse before each meal (as we did during the retreat) and read the Bible every day (even if it's only for a few minutes). As Pastor Dan told us to do, I promise not to let a single day go by without touching (i.e., reading) the Bible. Hopefully, I will become a daughter of God of whom He says, "I have to be careful what I tell Christine to do - because she will do it." I want to be that available to God.

new beginnings

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD,

plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

- Jeremiah 29:11

I thank God for my accountability partners. It takes a lot of patience, courage, and love to rebuke and encourage me. After many conversations, thoughts, and prayers, there will be some changes in my life, which will take effective immediately.

My commitment to stay single for the rest of this school year is over. Various people have given me different reasons for why this is not a good idea. I had good intentions, but it was not a conviction that I got from God. After a very difficult break-up with someone I thought would be my husband in the near future, I knew I needed a lot of time before I started considering dating again. I also knew I needed time to spend with God after He heals my heart from the break-up and before I date someone else.

Well, after nine long months, my heart is completely healed. Looking back, I realize that God did not wait for my heart to heal from the break-up to mold me, change me, and challenge me. In fact, He has never stopped doing any of these things - and more! He has been actively working in me all along. God loves me so much that, as Dr. Edgar, my Introduction to Apologetics professor, once said, "He sneaks in through the side window or the back door."

In retrospect, I am able to see that waiting until the end of this year to think about dating has been more of a stumbling block than a blessing or a helpful guide. I have become so legalistic about it that if God had put it on a guy's heart to ask me out, I would have turned him away (no matter how much I liked him back!)... simply because he asked me out before the end of the year. On the flip side, I have been viewing the end of the school year as if it were the end of a term sentence. Therefore, instead of putting God in a box or having an unGodly view of this year, I decided to be prayerful about the future. Of course, this may mean that it will be shorter or longer than a year, but I think this is a much better way to approach life in general. After all, as John Piper once said, "He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

However, in order to focus on God, I have also decided to actively make some other changes, including deactivating my Facebook account, signing out of gchat, and not studying at the WTS library. All three have been great ways of keeping in touch with friends, but I need some time and space because I have been struggling to see and treat a particular brother as a brother.

Please keep me in your prayers. Also, since I will be MIA, please e-mail (cychung06@gmail.com) or call me (551.655.0192) with any updates and/or prayer requests. Finally, if you are in the Philadelphia area and want to grow and pray with Westminster seminary students on Monday and Wednesday mornings, please meet in Room 1 of Van Til at 7:30am!

humbled

"Look on everyone who is proud and bring [her] low

and tread down the wicked where they stand."

- Job 40:12

This morning, I wrote an e-mail to one of my accountability partners. I doubt many people read my blog, so if you are reading this right now, I believe it is no mistake. Please hold me accountable! So my e-mail reads something like this:

Hey Jen*,

I've been getting that rebuke a lot - that is, to see and treat brothers as brothers. It's been a process that's been taking me many years, and I've been getting a lot better, but I still struggle. I'm just really assertive, aggressive, and outgoing, so it's unnatural for me to chill out sometimes, haha. Also, often times, my self-esteem is based upon who views me as a potential.

Can you please keep me in your prayers? Please pray that:

• I will not think that it's okay for me to treat brothers and sisters the same - since I'm really outgoing and friendly, I should be extra careful to treat guys as brothers.
• I will be very alert of my boundaries with guys. I have been really careful with physical boundaries (i.e., not giving them hugs, not punching their arm, not pushing them away playfully, etc.), but I need to be more careful with emotional, verbal (i.e., being intentional with my words), and temporal (i.e., not talking to them for a long time, not gchatting with them late at night) boundaries.
• I view myself through God's eyes, so that my self-esteem will be based on Him

humbled,

me

* The name has been changed to protect the person's identity

have Your way

I went to GCC's Passion Revival last night, and they sang this song for the first time: Hillsong United's Arms Open Wide

I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me!

i love You

"No one can serve two masters,

for either he will hate the one and love the other,

or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.

You cannot serve God and money."

- Matthew 6:24

I surrender the idols of my life - the things I cling onto - the source of my happiness and security - the things that preoccupy my mind most of my waking (and sleeping!) hours. I trust You. Have Your way with me. I trust You. No matter what happens.

Knowing myself, it may be a step-by-step, moment-by-moment kind of trust, but at least for the moment, I trust You.

You are sweeter than anything in this world. Everything else is so fleeting. You have used Your words and actions to convince me of Your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Forgive me for turning to other things and people for my security and happiness.

I will rejoice in You... even if You never give me the desires of my heart, I will choose to love You. I know I am able to love You only because You loved me first. That's all I need to love You despite my circumstances. You are all I need. I acknowledge that You are God. You give and take away as You see fit. You need to provide me no reason. Everything I have is from You, anyway.

You will never forsake me. You are always with me - through the good times, but especially when I'm sad, afraid, or in despair.

How did I not see You there before? How could I have been so blind?

But now I see You have been, You are, and You will always be with me... holding me close, never letting me go. Thank You. I love You, too.

the fruit of the Spirit

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh."

- Galatians 5:16

In my previous post, I shared how I am utterly hopeless without Christ because I fall short physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually even according to human standards. But what does it look like to live your life as a transformed person in Christ?

Every Sunday evening, my family and I have what we call "family altar", which is essentially family Bible study. My dad chooses a book in the Bible to study for the month or so, and we study a chapter each week. We have been studying the book of Galatians lately. Tonight's focus was on Galatians chapter 5, and the timing could not have been more perfect!

After going around the table, reading a verse out loud, we spend some time in quiet, picking out a verse from the chapter that was significant to us. The one I chose tonight was verse 16: "Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." When I read this verse, I felt like I found the answer that would free me from my anxieties and hopelessness! Who wouldn't want to live a life free from the shackles of their fleshly desires?

What are these desires? "Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these" (Galatians 5:19-21). Although I am not guilty of all of these fleshly desires, I admit that I am guilty of many of them. In fact, sometimes they become so strong that I hardly put up a fight. If this were not bad enough, I rarely take complete ownership of my wrongdoings.

However, as my professor said last Thursday, when you sin, you sin because you choose to sin. You cannot shift the blame. No matter what my parents have done wrong while raising me, no matter what kind of day I was having, no matter what my significant other said (or failed to say), and so on, I must take full responsibility for everything I say and do.

So if those are the fleshly desires, what is the opposite of that? "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law" (Galatians 5:22, 23). The reason why the word "fruit" in the phrase "fruit of the Spirit" is singular is that the fruit of the Spirit is incomplete if any of these attributes is missing. In other words, if I had love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control, but I were critical and insensitive (lacking kindness and gentleness), the fruit of my Spirit would be incomplete.

As you may recall from my first entry, I have committed this year to the LORD by not dating. Furthermore, as you may have gathered by now, I am in no shape to date in the immediate future because I need God to heal me and renew me in Christ, or I will hurt the person I date when it is time. Although there are times when I get lonely, I want to wait on God because that is the only way I know that when I date again, I will be equipped to be his best friend and greatest supporter.

my only Hope

"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance,

that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost."

- 1 Timothy 1:15

As a Protestant, I understand the importance of reading the Bible and praying. As a pastor once said in a sermon, reading the Bible is your spiritual food and praying is like breathing. You need both to have a relationship with God in the first place, let alone one that is vibrant and alive.

I want to be an encouragement to other Christians and a living testimony to non-Christians. Not because I'm perfect. Not because I want to be noticed. Not because I have the ability. But because when the Pharisees asked Jesus to keep His disciples from shouting His praise, Jesus replied, "The very stones will cry out" (Luke 19:40) if His disciples were silent.

Last night, I was sitting in my Dynamics of Biblical Change counseling class when the professor said something that I will not soon forget: "Sin is serious before God. The temptation is to see your wrong in your eyes (guilt) and in other people's eyes (shame). See your wrongs in God's eyes."

I have been really sick with food poisoning today - and I'm sure my psychosomatic tendencies aren't helping, either. As I was crying out to God for mercy and for His healing hands on my physical and emotional brokenness, I recalled last night's lecture. I confessed to God that I am nothing without Him. I know I fall short physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually according to human standards. I am utterly hopeless according to God's standards!

I have been trying so hard to make it appear as though I have everything under control - in hopes that by convincing other people, I will eventually be able to convince myself. However, I have been tremendously humbled.

Thankfully, my professor didn't stop there: "Be in a world where someone's [God's] opinion matters and can help you."

More importantly, the Bible says, "The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning" (Lamentations 3:22, 23).

Furthermore, Jesus is the Word of God (John 1). So, in order to develop your relationship with God, it is critical to read the Bible. Do not be discouraged from reading the Bible if you feel you are not ready to approach God because He will meet you where you are. If you doubt that the God of gods and King of kings will welcome a sinner like you and me, just skim through the Bible. You will see that God used flawed people like you and me to do His sovereign work.

If an answer of generalities doesn't work for you, how about Jesus' response to the Pharisees, when they asked why He ate with tax collectors and "sinners": "Those who are well have no need for a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17).

As I write this entry, I find so much comfort in this verse because I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually sick. I hope you find comfort in His words, as well.

sermons by David Gibbons

The past week, I've been listening to Pastor David Gibbons. He is the founding pastor of New Song church in California. Here are the links to the sermons. You won't regret it.

God is in control

Title: Chaos
Text: Genesis 45:1-15, 50:15-21
Pastor: David Gibbons
Link: http://www.sarang.com/bbs/zboard.php?id=pray_sermon&page=1&sn1=&divpage=1&category=&sn=off&ss=on&sc=on&select_arrange=headnum&desc=asc&no=7&clicked=1