prepare for battle!

"What is the battle? To risk unpopularity by preaching the cross as a real cross on which a real Savior shed real blood for real sinners headed for a real hell. The battle is giving up the pretence that we are all nice people. The battle is taking the gospel to the lost with radical devotion. The battle is to own nothing in order to own Christ. The battle is to have no righteousness except the righteousness of God through faith in Christ. The battle is to attack the dark places of the earth with all the energy of the Spirit and the conquering gospel of the substitutionary death of Christ."

- C. John Miller's The Heart of Servant Leader

faithful Father

God...

Thank You for loving me... especially as much as You do.

I don't know why You love me or why You chose me in the first place. I constantly swing from one idol to another and back again. Even at my best, I am afraid I will not be able to love You the way You deserve. Everything I have is Yours, so it's not like I can give You anything that You don't have already.

In my sinful pride, I think it's noble for me to live on 10% of what I make and use the other 90% for Your ministry. Please forgive me. I know everything I have is a gift from You. After all, I know what You want.

But in my selfishness, I wonder if You are asking for too much... all my heart, all my strength, all my mind... all the time? Really, God? Is that even possible?

In my brokeness, I wonder why You'd even want me at all. My own mother doesn't seem to want me sometimes - even when I do everything I can to keep her happy. And do I even have to mention that no guy is pursuing me? (I was sure that I would be married by the time I was 27... that's next year!)

I had promised you at least the first year of seminary - no plans for the future, no romantic relationships. Ohhhh, how I have failed! What's even worse is that I try to rationalize it all in my mind: I need to plan accordingly for the next step, right? If I'm serious about being a professor, I should take the GMATs one last time and apply for schools starting this fall, right? If I'm serious about pursuing a corporate career, I should take the CFA exam this June, right? And, what's wrong with being friends with the guy for now and then start dating this summer? We can't just date without knowing each other first as friends, right? It takes time to become true friends, doesn't it?

But you know my heart. So why are You so faithful to me when I have been so unfaithful? What is more fascinating is that You give me no other option than to keep my promises. Even when I try to break my own promises, You shut the doors. You love me so much that You won't let me continue to make decisions that I may regret later. Why do You love me so much even when I act like I don't love You sometimes? Clearly, it's not because I deserve to be loved by You.

Do You see something in me that I do not see? Should I finally risk it all and see what it looks like to gain the most important One of all? I'm scared. Letting go of all the comforts in this world. I know You make everything in this world pale in comparison to You - I have caught glimpses of that. But being the sick person that I am, I return to my own vomit again and again. I feel so pathetic. hopeless. helpless. unloveable. Yet the God of gods and King of kings runs to welcome me?! I know it's not because of anything I did or anything I am. If You were anybody else and I treated You the way I do, You would have cursed and left me a long time ago.

I'm sorry for being so unfaithful. Thank You for being so patient, forgiving, loving, faithful, helpful, thoughtful - more than I deserve, more than I could even imagine to ask for.

I love You. Help me to love You more.

Always,


- me -